


Misunderstandings

by drewskie1981



Category: Whitechapel (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-30
Updated: 2013-11-07
Packaged: 2017-12-30 23:26:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 21,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1024638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drewskie1981/pseuds/drewskie1981
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Super angsty/romance story involving Chandler/Kent. Takes place post-Season 3 (I tried to minimize any influence from season 4). The title says it all. pre/slash. I hope you enjoy! DISCLAIMER: Whitechapel and it's characters belong to ITV UK, not me. **NOVEMBER 7 UPDATE: CHAPTER 5 POSTED**</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

A heavy London rain barreled down against the windows at the Whitechapel division of the Met as Detective Constable Emerson Kent sat at his desk and quietly gazed out with his chin resting in his hands.

Shit. How the bloody hell am I supposed to ride home in that mess, he thought to himself and sighed.

He considered whether or not it would be wiser just to leave his scooter at the station overnight and take the Tube back to his flat. But then again, that meant he'd have to walk at least a half mile in the pouring rain from the metro stop to the council estate where he lived with his two flatmates.

Apart from the obvious inconvenience this sour weather wreaked on his commute, it wasn't doing anything to help his mood either. Kent had just finished interviewing a young Pakistani woman who had been brutally raped the night before. And now, sitting at his desk, he couldn't get his mind focused back to filling out the incident report.

The young DC was exhausted both emotionally and physically.

Kent couldn't deny that this had been happening quite a lot with him lately. Over the past few weeks, he had sensed himself becoming increasingly withdrawn and depressed, and he couldn't concentrate on anything at work for more than a few minutes at a time. With all that had happened in Whitechapel and his own life over the past three years, he had finally reached his emotional limit.

"You're just overworked, love. You need to take some time off and go stay with your sister for a few days or come up to Hampstead and stay with me. I'd love to see you," his mum had suggested over the telephone when he'd confessed to her about how he was feeling.

There wasn't anything at that moment that Kent would've needed more than to escape to the safety of his mum or his twin sister Erica. But he knew it wasn't possible, especially with the way things were just now at the station. Lately, it seemed as though there was a horrifying new crime occurring almost every day in the East End, and Kent was too duty-bound to his job to just escape on a whim.

When he first joined the police force, he'd been warned about some of the things he would be exposed to; but like most new constables, he thought that he was ready for anything. Yet it wasn't very long before he realized that nothing could have prepared him for the endless cycle of depravity and viciousness he witnessed almost constantly in Whitechapel.

The older, more experienced detectives on the squad always seemed so hardened by years of grisly crime scenes. He would often notice how their eyes seemed to glaze over when they surveyed a brutalized body, as if it were nothing more than a dead animal on the side of the road. But it was always different for Kent. He couldn't help but imagine the fear and dread that each of those victims must have felt in the moments before their deaths, much less the agony that awaited their loved ones.

"You can't let it affect you, lad," DS Miles would always say to him. "If you let stuff like this haunt you, then you'll lose all your effectiveness as a good copper."

In a way, Miles was right. Kent sometimes wished he could be as cynical and disillusioned as the older sergeant. But no matter how hard he tried, he could never bring himself to ignore the pain and agony that all those victims must have felt. It was never worse than when he had to interview a crime victim and ask them to recount the horrifying details of their ordeal. Seeing the pain in their eyes was almost too much for him to handle and it was all he could do not to reach over and comfort them in his arms.

At night, he would often even find himself driving aimlessly around the East End streets on his scooter, looking for a dark, empty car-park where he could let his tears flow freely. While other policemen drank their pain away at the pub or took it out on their wives at home, Kent would sit against a dirty brick wall with his face buried in his arms, crying away all the ugliness and despair he had encountered day-to-day. But it wasn't just the horrors of Whitechapel that drew out his tears.

He would also cry out of loneliness for a man he could never have and it was slowly chipping away at him, piece by piece.

To make matters worse, this man could no longer even look at him without contempt in his eyes. He no longer offered that warm, friendly smile of encouragement that had always made Kent practically buckle in the knees. For the past four months, every time they would pass each other in the incident room or survey a crime scene together, he could almost feel the man's indifference hit him like a cold chill. Kent had always regarded himself as a fairly good reader of people's emotions, and as far as Detective Inspector Joseph Chandler was concerned, the writing was on the wall.

Kent let his eyes wander from the drenched world outside down to the top of his desk where he noticed a single paper clip in front of him. He usually kept all of his spare paper clips in a neat pile inside the drawer, but this solitary clip had somehow found its way onto the top of his tidy desk. He reached for a blue marker and distractedly began to coat the silver clip in deep color as he tried to push away the recent memories that still haunted him.

He still couldn't believe he'd had the nerve to accuse Morgan Lamb of conspiring with Luke Watney to murder three innocent people. But at the time, he desperately wanted to believe that there was something more sinister about her than what she appeared to be; and he desperately wanted Chandler to believe it as well.

But it was no use. He knew that his DI was falling in love with her.

Kent could have never admitted to it openly back then, but he was undeniably jealous of that woman's blossoming relationship with his DI. Just as she'd said he was. When he saw the way that Chandler looked into her eyes, Kent knew she could offer him everything that he couldn't. And just as with all those other beautiful women who came before her, he felt so invisible as far as Chandler was concerned.

The young DC shut his eyes and tried to ignore the painful memory of the night he'd watched Chandler offer Morgan a ride home from the station after her attack in the car-park. He had watched helplessly through a window as Chandler chivalrously opened the door of his car for her before they drove away into the darkness together.

His heart broke that night.

And so had any hope of ever receiving back any of the love and admiration he'd so eagerly and freely offered his DI.

"You're prepared to stop at nothing to keep him for yourself, aren't you lad?"

Kent cringed with embarrassment and guilt as he thought back to the final words that Morgan Lamb uttered to him in the witness room the day she was murdered.

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about," was all he could reply, dumbfounded and unsure if he'd heard her correctly.

But he knew deep inside that she saw right through him as she simply stared back at him with a coldness in her eyes that sent a chill up the back of his neck. That was the last time he saw her alive.

And now since her death, Chandler hardly ever spoke a word to him other than to give an order. Kent knew that Chandler must have despised him for his open contempt of Morgan. It was painfully obvious in the way that his DI practically castigated him for his accusations against her. But in all honesty, he couldn't blame his DI for feeling that way. He wouldn't have been surprised if Chandler had probably even blamed him for Morgan's death. He was, after all, the one who left her alone and vulnerable in the witness room with Luke's unbalanced mother nearby…

"Oi, Kent! Back to planet Earth." Kent was jolted out of his thoughts as Miles briskly walked by on his way to Chandler's office.

He took a deep breath and tried to get back to concentrating on his report, but it was no use. How could he possibly endure another day of this? The toll this job alone was taking on his emotional state was enough to send him off the rails. But seeing an uncertain future stretch ahead of having to work for a man he worshipped but who couldn't bear the sight of him, was almost more than he could handle.

Feeling overpowered, Kent rose from his desk to stretch his legs and get a drink of water from the dispenser at the other end of the incident room. DC Riley was standing near the water dispenser glancing over a file as he approached.

"Is everything alright with you, lad?" she whispered as he topped off a gulp of water. "I've been worried about you lately."

Kent tried his best to appear nonchalant and let out a small, insincere laugh. "Yes, everything's fine. I'm just tired."

Riley replied with a silent, concerned look that all but said she didn't believe him.

"Look, I've just been going through some personal stuff lately, that's all. I just need to get through the next few weeks and I'll be fine," he said.

"Well, if you're sure… Listen, I know we just work together and all that, but if you ever need somebody to have a good cry over a pint with, I'm here. Understand?" She gave him a warm smile and a light squeeze on the arm. "You're a sweet lad and I want to help if I can."

Kent watched her silently as she returned to her desk. For a brief moment, he felt reassured. He desperately needed a friend right now—someone he could talk to and confide in about everything he was going through. His flatmates Liam and Jeffrey were all good and well, but they always seemed too wrapped up in their own drama to be of much help. And even if they were willing to listen, he knew they wouldn't know how to help or what to say to him. And he knew that if he ever told Riley—or anyone else at the station—about his secret, his job could be in jeopardy, much less his reputation with his DI.

Kent felt lonely and exhausted as he surveyed the rest of the incident room. DC Mansell and Cooper were having a laugh about something which he probably wouldn't have found remotely funny, and Miles was in the boss's office presumably talking about a case. Like most of his days lately, Kent couldn't wait for his shift to end so that he could go home to his flat and sleep the evening away.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joseph Chandler hadn't heard a word that Miles was saying. It usually wasn't his nature to tune people out, particularly those who worked for him. He'd always been rather proud of the fact that he was so involved with his team and the cases they investigated. But lately, he couldn't focus on the job at hand, and his obsessive disorder was getting worse.

Miles prattled on as Chandler methodically tapped his finger on the lid of the miniature tub of Tiger Balm that he always kept nearby. The small canister had become his only friend and solace, especially since Morgan's death. For the days and months after her brutal murder, he often found himself sitting alone, reflecting on his own past and future. It seemed as though everything he touched and everyone he became involved with only ended up damaged or destroyed in the end.

When Morgan first came into his life, he saw her as a savior—someone who could finally help him heal his emotional and psychological wounds. Apart from Miles, she was the only person who could see through his rigid façade and understand his inner demons. But that all but disappeared in a matter of minutes almost four months ago.

And now faced with the hopelessness of her death, he couldn't bear to be reminded of her or the deliverance that could have been. He had even permanently removed the rubber band he kept on his wrist which she'd given him to keep his disorder under control. It was just another reminder that he was now beyond any help.

This is all so useless, he thought to was more determined than ever that for his and everyone else's sake, he was better off alone.

And to make matters worse, his own team was coming apart. Mansell and Riley were constantly bickering lately; and Miles was more distracted than ever with a new baby at home. Even Buchan was becoming unhinged. Being cooped up in the station's basement with nothing but historical files of the area's most horrifying crimes was beginning to take its toll on the older man.

Poor man, he thought to himself. Despite Buchan's helpfulness in many of their cases, Chandler had sometimes regretted bringing in a civilian to do a job that should have been filled by an experienced policeman. Buchan was undoubtedly diligent in his job performance. But like any civilian would have been in his position, he was too lost in his own theories about crime and history to be of any sort of long-term usefulness.

And apart from that, Buchan was beginning to take the frequent horrors of their reality all too personally. Chandler could freely admit that he himself was guilty of this at certain times during his tenure in Whitechapel. But his personal guilt was more or less due to his own failure to protect the victims and bring justice to the perpetrators. Buchan on the other hand, saw his own guilt as a personal crusade of some kind.

And then there was Kent…

Chandler glanced up at Kent through his office window. The young DC sat quietly at his desk and appeared to be daydreaming as Chandler gazed at him for a moment and pondered where he went wrong with his young detective.

When Chandler was first assigned to the Whitechapel division, Kent was like a young puppy, eager to jump through hoops for its master. During those first few months when all the other DCs would roll their eyes and laugh behind Chandler's back, he could always count on Kent to be front and center, hanging onto his every word. He knew that Kent was the only person in the entire station who had taken him even remotely seriously. And despite Kent's young age and inexperience, Chandler had really come to see him as a valued member of staff.

But then something changed.

At the time, Chandler suspected that Kent had been jealous of Morgan; but for the life of him, he couldn't understand why. Surely Kent didn't view Morgan as any sort of threat to his own career? Could he have been angry for want of attention… like a child who feels neglected by its parent?

Chandler felt a slight pang of regret. Deep down, he knew he had become distracted by Morgan and had carelessly overlooked his team as a result. He'd always known that Kent, in particular, was loyal and dedicated to his career and the young DC thrived on consistent praise and approval. He needed it to excel at his job properly and up until then, Chandler had been more than happy to offer it to someone so deserving. But then Morgan came into the picture and Chandler had begun to feel his self-control slipping. He knew that he failed the very people who depended on him the most and when Kent accused Morgan in the way that he did, Chandler couldn't help but take it as a veiled attack on his own failure as DI.

When Kent had confronted him in the incident room all those months ago about his obvious attraction to Morgan, Chandler felt like he was hit in the face by a wall of betrayal. At the time, he couldn't believe that one of his subordinates would have the gall to accuse him of being sidetracked by a silly attraction to someone who could have very well been a dangerous threat. Especially someone potentially connected to three brutal murders. But in hindsight, he realized that it wasn't betrayal on Kent's part that had upset him so much. He was the one who betrayed his young DC by fraternizing with a witness and possible suspect.

Kent had been right all along; and deep down, Chandler knew it. But like he was so often prone to do with others, Chandler let his own ego cloud his judgment and he took it out on the very person who was trying to save him from making a terrible mistake. And to make matters worse, it had taken him three bloody months of wasted time to come to this realization.

Chandler felt ashamed sitting at the pristine desk in his private office as he carefully studied his young DC sitting alone in the incident room. Something about the look on Kent's face made him feel so unworthy and ungrateful of his DC's esteem. He gazed at Kent and pondered over how much he would have been willing to give up in order to be able to take back the last four months…

"…Have you not heard a bloody word I've said?"

"I'm sorry, Miles. I've just had a lot on my mind lately," Chandler replied distractedly.

"Not you too?!" The hard-nosed sergeant was almost red in the face. "What the bloody hell is wrong with everybody around here lately?"

Chandler was taken back and almost defensive, "What in God's name do you mean?"

"First it's Kent and now you."

"It may have escaped your notice, but everyone's been under rather a lot of stress lately, including me… Especially me, in fact."

Miles thought for a moment and softened his tone, "Look boss, I know it's none of my business but you've got to move on. Whatever happened between you and Morgan is in the past. It's done. Time to start `afresh. Stewing in your own juices isn't gonna bring her back. It's time to wake up and realize there's always plenty of other fish in the sea, if you'll pardon my French."

"I'd rather not discuss this if it's all the same to you, Miles," Chandler replied coldly, averting his eyes.

"I'm just saying… it can get better if you allow it to. I'm sure there's someone out there right now who's perfect for you. But you just gotta open your bloody eyes first."

"Thank you, Miles," Chandler replied with annoyance as Miles got up to leave.

Just as the sergeant reached the door, Chandler spoke up, trying not to sound conspicuous. "Uh, Miles… what did you say was the matter with Kent?"

"God if I know. He seems distracted and moody lately, poor lad. Like something's weighing on his mind. Must be over some girl or something."

Chandler briefly returned his gaze to the young DC in the outer office. "But he never dates… at least not from what I've seen."

"Well, how the hell should I know? He doesn't say a word to anyone anymore… Just sits there with dead eyes."

Chandler glanced down briefly at his desk, then returned his attention to his DS. "Well, why don't you try having a chat with him and find out. Maybe he needs support of some kind."

"You could try talking to him. You are his boss, sir."

Averting his gaze again, Chandler said quietly, "I'm not sure that he would open up to me. He'd probably much rather speak to you."

"Why wouldn't he want to talk to you? He completely idolizes you. As far as he's concerned, you're the friggin' rock star of the universe!"

"I highly doubt that," Chandler replied with a half-hearted laugh. But inside, this statement pained him greatly because he knew it was true. Or at least it was before his brief affair with Morgan. He felt like such a disappointment in Kent's eyes, which logically, seemed completely ridiculous. He was Kent's superior...his boss. He shouldn't have had to feel like his success or failure as a detective inspector depended on the approval of his subordinates. He certainly didn't feel that amount of responsibility toward Riley, Mansell, or McCormack. And to a certain extent, not even Miles. Chandler looked up to Miles as a sort of mentor, a teacher. But he certainly didn't feel like he needed to impress his sergeant. With Miles, it was more of a competition for authority. If anything, he'd always felt threatened by the older man.

But there was something different about his relationship with Kent. The young DC made him want to be the best detective inspector he could possibly be. Chandler wanted to be the hero in his DC's eyes and Kent's blatant worship of him only fueled that desire.

"I think you ought to gather the team 'round for short confab," Miles went on. "Give 'em a kick in the pants and tell them to straighten up and fly right. Just what they'll need."

"Do you really think I should?" Chandler asked hesitantly.

"Yes I do. It'll be just what the doctor ordered."

Chandler looked down in thought for a few moments with a worried expression on his face while Miles studied him curiously.

"Ech, this whole friggin' place has gone barmy and I need a malt scotch." Miles waved his hand behind him dismissively and walked out.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"Listen everyone… gather round. I need to address something," Chandler declared as he made his way to the center of the incident room.

Mansell let out an exaggerated heave as he got up from his desk while Riley moved closer with a slightly worried look on her face. Miles stayed put near the back of the room leaning against a desk with his arms crossed. It wasn't an act of defiance as much as a desire to observe the rest of them.

Kent had decidedly remained at his desk. His energy was running low and he was in no mood to move any closer to his DI. Just looking into Chandler's deep blue eyes gave Kent a painful lovesick feeling in his stomach and he figured that the more distance he could keep between himself and the other man, the better it was for his own sanity.

"I just wanted to address something that has been of great concern to me lately," Chandler shifted nervously. "I know we've all been under a lot of pressure with our caseload and I know that it's wearing on our nerves. But we can't let this affect our performance. Apart from all that, I want to reiterate that the Met does provide a valuable support line for those who need it. If you feel that your job performance is being affected negatively by any sort of stress, I would strongly suggest you take advantage of this resource."

Chandler scanned each of the faces around him until his gaze fell upon Kent. The latter's chin was leaning forward against his palm and his gaze was averted. Chandler had the distinct sensation that his young DC was purposely avoiding his eyes.

"For all our sakes, we need to pull together as a team. While we're at work, our first priority should be our job performance. We can't allow petty arguments and personal distractions from getting in the way of our success as a team."

Kent shifted his eyes back to Chandler and almost got a chill up his spine when his gaze locked with the other man's. He became instantly uncomfortable and shifted in his chair.

Was Chandler speaking directly to him? Had he disappointed Chandler so much that the DI now felt he needed to scold him in front of everyone else? Kent felt his cheeks burn red with embarrassment. He wanted so badly to come back to his DI's good graces, but he was convinced that now it was too late for that. He'd sealed his fate when he so blatantly targeted his jealousy toward Morgan and alienated his DI.

Chandler took a deep breath and gazed down momentarily in thought, then continued, "But I know that I'm as much to blame as anybody else...if not more. So I want to apologize for my behavior of late and I promise that I for one will do better. But I need your support. All of you. Otherwise, we can't move forward successfully as a team," Chandler hoped that his message was somehow getting through to Kent, even though his DC was clearly either distracted or ignoring him. "...But if any of you ever feel the need to talk, my door is always open."

The rest of the group nodded in agreement and went back to their desks, but the pain in Kent's stomach was growing stronger. He wanted so badly to shout from the rooftops how much he was in love with this man. But he knew it was hopeless. With his impulsive actions all those months ago, he'd burned any remaining bridges he had to his DI. And he also knew that if he ever said anything to anybody, it could only make matters worse. With Chandler already angry at him for the fiasco with Morgan and now with his job performance in question, Kent couldn't risk adding disgust as another reason for his DI to dislike him.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chandler stood in front of the mirror in the station's washroom and silently gazed at himself. He hoped that the talk he'd had with his team earlier that day made a difference to at least some of them. His apology was heartfelt and it had taken all the strength he had in order to muster those words.

But somehow he felt like it wasn't enough.

He knew that he had let them all down over the past few months—especially Kent, who had looked up to him so much before. And when he had seen the look on Kent's face back in the incident room, Chandler couldn't shake away the sick feeling he got inside. He'd failed Kent. He knew he had disappointed his young DC more than any of them; and because of his own pride, he took it out on the very person who believed in him the most.

Chandler closed his eyes and breathed heavily as he rubbed his temples with the tips of his fingers. He clenched his eyes shut as he tried to ignore the creeping, itchy compulsion to change his dress shirt again. It took all the strength he had to concentrate the lurking feeling out of his mind; but he knew that the more he tried to fight against it, the weaker his resolve to withstand it would become.

Chandler defeatedly removed his tie and unbuttoned the white dress shirt before reaching into his briefcase for a new, cleanly starched one. Just as he had let the used shirt slide down from his bare shoulders, Kent walked into the washroom and stopped dead in his tracks.

"Oh…I, um…I'm sorry, sir," Kent sputtered awkwardly while averting his eyes downward and turning to leave.

Chandler, suddenly feeling very naked and exposed, slipped the used shirt back over his shoulders and shut his eyes, breathing heavily. "Kent?" he called out. The younger man stopped at the door, knob in hand.

"Yes, sir?" Kent replied softly but did not turn around.

"…Nevermind," was all the DI could say.

Chandler took a deep breath and was just about to let Kent walk out the door when he stammered, "No… wait…stop. Is…um…is everything all right between us?"

Kent's subdued tone betrayed what he said, "I don't know what you mean, sir. Everything's fine."

"Kent, I may be a lot of things, but I'm not daft."

Kent slowly turned around to face Chandler but kept his head down in order to avoid looking into his superior's eyes. "I just…I'm just having difficulties in my personal life right now, sir. That's all. But I won't let it affect my performance anymore. I'm sorry."

Chandler studied his DC's face for a moment and then replied, "Look, I've been meaning to talk to you. I want to apologize for the way I've been acting toward you lately. I know there has been some tension between us and I'm afraid it's been my fault."

Kent bit his lip and looked up at Chandler's face, trying to avoid the sight of the man's chest peaking out from his unbuttoned shirt.

"There's nothing for you to apologize about, sir," he replied coldly.

Chandler sensed an unpleasant sting in the young detective's words. He considered that it would be prudent to end this conversation quickly but he still couldn't leave things as they were. "But I feel like I've treated you unfairly, especially since…" He couldn't utter the words.

Kent dropped his head and sighed. "It's alright, sir. Really. Um… I have to go. Mansell's waiting for me."

Chandler stood alone in the middle of the washroom feeling deflated as Kent opened the door and walked out. He suddenly felt very foolish for trying to apologize because it obviously wasn't enough. He valued Kent's loyalty more than anybody else's, except for possibly Miles. But now he felt it slipping through his fingers. What more could he have said or done to convince his DC to forgive him? Kent was sometimes so incredibly difficult to read. Chandler thought of all those times he'd looked into those wide, brown eyes and often wondered what secrets they kept hidden.

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"How about we stop by the pub for a pint? My treat," Riley asked as she sat herself on the edge of Kent's desk. "You definitely look like you could use one."

"What about your kids? Don't you need to get home?"

"Eh, my sister has already been 'round the house to check up on them. They'll be fine," she replied. "And besides, I always need a good stiffener before I get home to those monsters." She leaned toward Kent and playfully knocked him with her elbow.

"I dunno. I was kind of in the mood to get home tonight and crash in front of the telly."

"Oh, come off it, lad. You and I both need a good strong drink after a day like this. And it will give us a chance to talk. There's nothing on telly tonight that's worth getting home to anyway, apart from Big Brother repeats. Believe me, I already checked the listings," she joked.

"Okay… what the hell," Kent replied as he rose from his desk and grabbed his jacket from its hook. "Tonight's as a good a night as any."

Chandler, having overheard bits and pieces of their conversation through his open office door, watched as his two DCs gathered their belongings and left for the night. He sat at his desk and pondered in silence.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The pub down the street from the station was fairly empty for a Thursday night, which was perfectly fine with Kent. He wasn't in the mood for loud conversation or rowdy football fans. Kent chose a quiet table by the corner window while Riley fetched two pints of bitter.

"So, how was your day, love?" she asked as she set the beers on the table and sat down.

Kent dropped his gaze to the glass in front of him. "It was fine I guess. What did you think about that talk the boss gave us?" He was fishing to see if Riley had noticed anything unusual about what the DI had said, but he didn't want to appear too conspicuous about it.

"For a minute there, I thought we were all going to get the sack!" she joked half-heartedly. But her smile faded when she noticed Kent still gazing at his beer without even the hint of a smile.

"Listen, love," she asked, "I've been wanting to get a chance to talk to you in private. There's no use denying something's been bothering you, so you might as well come out with it. Is there something you want to tell me? I want to help if I can." Riley reached across the small table and gently set her hand on top of his.

Kent looked up at her. He knew this moment had been coming, whether he wanted it or not. In a way, it would be a welcome relief to be able to open up to someone who genuinely seemed to care. But on the other hand, he was terrified to utter those words to someone he didn't know very well, much less to a colleague.

Riley studied his face silently for a moment before she offered a warm smile and squeezed his hand. "It's okay. I know."

"Know what?" Kent asked, trying not to sound defensive.

"You are who you are. There's no shame in that. I have a cousin who is and I love him to pieces."

Kent felt his cheeks flush and returned his stare to the cold glass of bitter in front of him. "How did you know?"

"Oh come off it, love! They don't call me Meg 'The Fruit Fly' Riley for nothing!" she joked heartily. "I've been around more gay blokes than you probably ever have. And besides, a woman's intuition never fails. I've learned to read the signals when I see them," she smiled and gave him a wink. "Are you out to your mates and your family?"

Kent sighed heavily. "Some of them. Not to anybody at work though. But I guess that cat's out of the bag now," he replied sarcastically.

"Oh tosh! You don't have to worry about me telling anybody. I can keep a secret just as good as the next person."

"I just particularly don't want Mansell to know," he stated quietly, "… or the boss."

Riley studied his eyes for a few moments with a look that implied both concern and interest. "You really don't have to worry, love. I understand a lot more than you probably think I do."

Kent breathed a sigh of relief and felt a small weight lift off his shoulders. He gazed at the warm face across the table and smiled to himself. Riley was a kindred spirit as far as he was concerned and he was comforted by the idea of having her as a new friend and ally.

"Is that all you needed to get off your chest?" she prodded inquisitively.

Kent looked down at his hands and began picking at a fingernail. He desperately wanted to tell someone about his feelings for Chandler, but he was certain that nobody would understand. He wasn't in the mood to receive a lecture about how Chandler was straight or how he would be better off finding someone else instead.

"It's him, isn't it?" she finally asked.

Kent didn't reply, but something inside instinctively told him that she was aware of who he was thinking about. He blushed a deep red and sat quietly in thought for a moment before joking half-heartedly, "What are you, a mind-reader or something?"

"It didn't take long to guess. I told you I could read the signals," she smiled.

Kent suddenly felt embarrassed. He knew it was a ridiculous idea, being in love with someone so unattainable. But he couldn't help the way he felt. If he'd had the chance, he would trade away these feelings for anything, if only to escape the pain. But it wasn't as easy as that. He looked up at her with a subdued but pleading look. "What do you think I should do?"

"Have you got it that badly?"

"Yes. It's bloody crippling me, no matter how hard I try to fight it," He replied quietly.

Riley let out a weighty sigh and looked at him with concern in her eyes. "Well love, I'm not sure what to say. I don't know what his preferences are…but either way, I don't want to see you get hurt. You're a lovely creature and I'd hate to see your heart get trampled on."

Kent looked down with defeat. It was a little too late for that.

"But on the other hand," she went on, "I've always been a firm believer that one should always follow one's heart... or however that old cliché goes," she said with a smile.

"Whenever I look at him, I feel like I need to throw up. But I can't help it! I fucking hate feeling this way. But he can't stand the sight of me, which makes it all worse."

"What makes you say that, love?" Riley asked with concern.

"That whole thing with Morgan Lamb. I was bloody jealous of her and all but said it to her face. And when he caught wind of it, he practically told me to fuck off," Kent sighed. "I've never felt so fucking stupid in my entire life."

Riley sat quietly across from him, gazing over his face with worry in her eyes.

"Please don't give me that look," he replied pleadingly. "I know it's useless and unhealthy for me to go on like this about him, but I can't help it. I really can't."

"I didn't say a word, did I?" she replied. "I just think that you should—"

Just then, Kent glanced toward the door at the other end of the pub and turned white in the face. "Oh, shit," he whispered to himself.

Riley craned her neck behind her to follow his stare. DI Chandler had just walked into the pub alone and caught both their stares almost immediately. After what appeared to be a momentary hesitation, he walked over to their table.

"Well boss, what brings you here? I didn't take you for a pub-crawler," Riley said, trying to alleviate the moment.

"I just thought I'd pop in for a drink on my way home," he smiled uneasily, shifting his glance between Riley and Kent.

Kent didn't look up to meet his eyes.

Feeling the tension like a heavy fog, Riley interjected, "I don't suppose you'd like to join us?"

Kent's muscles stiffened slightly; it was all he could do not to shoot daggers across the table. Riley sensed this immediately and gave him a subtle apologetic glance in return.

"I better not," Chandler replied carefully, still shifting his eyes between the two of them. "You both have probably had enough of me for one day."

Almost involuntarily, Kent rose from the table. "Excuse me just a moment... Loo." It was all he could say before rushing off to find the toilets.

With an embarrassed look, Riley turned back to face her astonished boss. "Tipsy tummy," she whispered to him awkwardly. But something in the way that Chandler's eyes followed Kent told her that he didn't entirely believe her.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kent found an empty lavatory and locked the door behind him. Leaning against the wall, he chastised himself silently.

What in god's name possessed me to run off like that? He must think I've gone mad!

He took a few deep breaths and prepared himself to go back and join them but his feet wouldn't move. He had never felt so foolish in his entire life. If the ground wanted to swallow him whole, he would've gladly allowed it. Kent felt his face flush and tears begin to well up in his eyes.

Oh god, no. Not now. 

Just then, a quiet knock came from the door.

"Kent?" a muffled female voice asked from the other side. Kent reached for the door and opened it to see Riley standing there alone.

"Don't worry, he's gone," she said soothingly.

"What did he say?" Kent asked nervously, his voice breaking.

"Nothing. Just that he had some paperwork to catch up on at home." After a moment of reflection, she added carefully, "Have you ever thought about telling him how you feel? Sometimes honesty is the best medicine. I mean, at the very least, you'd be able to get this off your chest. And who knows… maybe he'd react differently than you think. I could be wrong, but the boss has never struck me as the homophobic type."

Kent looked at her with a feeling of panic. He could never tell Chandler how he felt about him. The very thought made him lightheaded.

Riley reached over and gave him a tight hug and pat on the back. "Come on, let's go. My kids have probably burned the house down by now."

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Chandler drove home to his flat in silence. He usually liked to have either Radio 1 or classical music tuned in during his commute to help him relax. But tonight, he had too much on his mind to bother with anything else. He thought back to that scene with Kent at the pub and couldn't make head or tail of it. At least when it came to solving crimes, he could think through a problem methodically. But this was something entirely different.

Kent had become such a riddle that he couldn't decipher.

Chandler tried to think back to all the previous encounters they'd had together. He wanted to know why Kent disliked him so much. Maybe he was still deeply upset by everything that happened with Morgan, Chandler thought to himself. Or maybe he even still held a grudge against Chandler for accusing him of being on the Krays' payroll.

But that didn't make sense. It had to be something else.


	3. Chapter 3

The midmorning sun broke through a passing cloud and shot dust-covered beams through Chandler's office window, hitting the side of his face. The sudden burst of light jolted him and he quickly rose from his desk to close the blinds. He'd managed to get only two or three hours of sleep the night before and he sensed that it was beginning to show in the way that his eyes felt red and sticky. He had spent most of the night lying in bed, watching the stainless steel ceiling fan sweep shadows across the room as he replayed in his mind the encounter he'd had with Kent earlier that evening in the pub.

He had tried to think of every possible reason as to why Kent disliked him so much. But the more he tried to find that reason, the more frustrated and desperate he became. He'd had arguments with other people with whom he'd worked on numerous occasions; but for some strange reason, none had ever upset him as much as this did.

And for the life of him, he couldn't understand why.

Why am I bloody reacting like this?! For god's sake, Kent! Please just tell me what I bloody did! 

A dull, pulsing pain suddenly began to throb against Chandler's temples. He shut his eyes and tried to will the feeling away, but he knew it was coming.

Chandler instinctively reached for the rubber band on his wrist, but all he felt was bare flesh. There was nothing there anymore to shield him as that all-too familiar creeping sensation began to slither its way up his arms and the back of his neck as he felt his heart begin to pound heavily against his ribs. He'd often wondered if this was what a heart attack must have felt like.

With his shaking hands, Chandler clumsily reached for the tub of Tiger Balm at the edge of his desk and swiped his fingers against the warm ointment. He clenched his eyes shut and concentrated on rubbing the cream against his temples, trying to extinguish the thoughts that pervaded his mind. He was angry. Not only at himself for having allowed this to go on unresolved, but he was also angry at Kent. It seemed that no matter how hard he tried to make amends with his DC, it wasn't enough. Why did Kent have to make things so bloody difficult by continuing to punish him this way? Did his apology count for nothing?

Stop obsessing over this, you bloody idiot!

Just then, Riley knocked on his office door and let herself in. "Sir, I have those reports you inquired about—."

She immediately took a step back and held the documents close to her chest. "Is everything all right, sir?" she asked carefully. "Are you feeling ill?"

"No, everything's fine. Shut the door, will you?"

Riley did as she was asked and approached his desk guardedly before setting the papers down before him. "Here are those forms regarding the trafficking case from last week. I did manage to contact the shop owner, but he's refusing to talk. My guess is that he's being leaned on by a few of Melekhov's men and I don't think we can get a statement from him unless we're willing to offer protection."

Chandler shot up an angry glare at her. "Well that's out of the bloody question. We're not in the business of babysitting witnesses! If someone's not willing to talk, then we'll just have to find another route now, won't we!" Chandler immediately bit his tongue and dropped his eyes back down to his desk.

Riley, completely taken back by this outburst, stepped back cautiously. "Okay sir, I'll see what I can do," she replied.

"I'm sorry. Let's just see if we can have another attempt with him," Chandler quietly. Riley nodded silently and turned to leave.

"Riley, wait. I need to talk to you about Kent." Chandler stood up and gestured at the chair on the other side of his desk. "Please, sit down for a moment."

Reluctantly taking his cue, she sat down and faced him. "What did you want to talk about, sir?"

"I know that something's been bothering Kent quite a lot lately, and I have the feeling that it has something to do with me. Has he spoken to you at all about this?"

Riley hesitated a moment and took a deep breath before answering. "Sir, I have spoken to Kent and he's just been going through a rough time right now. He just needs time to sort himself out."

"Well, what is it? Have I done something to upset him that I'm not aware of?!"

Riley tried to interject, but Chandler continued on, "I can't allow this kind of behavior to go on in my office. It's not productive and it's got to stop—"

"Sir, please," she finally interrupted. "Allow me to handle this. It's not anything that you've done. He just…" Riley hesitated momentarily, trying to find the right words to say. "He needs space for a short while. I'll keep an eye on him. But please… allow me to handle this."

"With all due respect, Riley, I'm afraid that's not good enough," Chandler shot back. "As his employer, I'm entitled to know if there's an ongoing problem that needs to be addressed. Especially if it has something to do with me."

"If you don't mind my asking sir, what makes you think this has anything to do with you?" Riley asked curiously.

"Well, maybe it has something to do with the fact that lately he's been avoiding me like the plague!" Chandler replied sarcastically. "He goes out of his way to ignore me, and he's letting it affect his work performance. He doesn't behave like this toward anyone else in the station, so it must be something I've done! If he's not happy working here or working for me, then he needs to be upfront with me about it."

"I promise you that it's not a work-related matter. If it was something that had to do with the job, then I'd be the first to tell you. But this is a private matter he's dealing with and I wouldn't feel right if I were to break his confidence."

Chandler returned his attention to his desk and began to organize the papers in front of him into neat piles. "Please tell Kent that I'd like a word," he stated coldly.

"But sir—"

"Thank you, Riley." He glanced up at her with a look that told her he was finished having this conversation.

Riley stood up reluctantly and walked toward the door, before turning around to face her boss. "Um… sir, if you do insist on talking to him, can I ask you a very important favor?"

"What is it?" Chandler replied without looking up from his paperwork.

"That no matter what Kent may tell you, you'll still treat him with dignity and tact?"

Chandler immediately looked up at her with a perplexed and slightly defensive look. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"Please just trust me about this, sir. For Kent's sake."

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kent looked up from his computer screen to see Riley walk away from Chandler's office and reluctantly approach his desk. The look in her eyes said it all and he immediately felt a nervous pit begin to grow in his stomach.

"The boss would like a word with you," she stated professionally with a forced smile. Kent felt his hands immediately begin to shake as he rose from his desk cautiously.

"What does he want?" he asked in a panicked whisper.

"Everything's going to be fine," she replied quietly as she gave his arm a light squeeze. "We can have a chat about it later."

Riley left him standing alone next to his desk as she returned to her own. Kent stared at his DI's open office door and licked his lips nervously in spite of his increasingly dried mouth. He was almost sure that everyone else in the room could hear his thumping heart despite all of the incidental noise filling the area. He reluctantly began the long walk from his desk to Chandler's door and stuck his shaking hands in his trouser pockets in case anybody noticed his nervousness.

"Um… you wanted to see me, sir?" he tapped lightly on the open door.

"Come in and shut the door, Kent," Chandler replied without looking up from his paperwork. "Sit down."

Kent did as he was told and took the seat in front of Chandler's desk. In spite of how nervous he was, he couldn't help but notice that the seat was still warm from Riley's previous visit. This gave him a small but surprising moment of comfort as he waited for his DI to speak. Chandler continued to silently flip through his paperwork while Kent stared at him intently.

"I think we need to talk about what's been happening between us lately," Chandler finally said as he looked up at Kent sitting across from him. "I'm going to be very direct. I don't know why you're angry with me, but for the sake of our working relationship, we've got to clear this up immediately so that we can move on. If I've said or done anything to offend you, then I'm sorry. But you've also got to do your part by giving me the benefit of a doubt."

"What makes you think that I'm angry with you, sir? Kent asked, trying his best to sound nonchalant and oblivious as to where Chandler was leading the conversation.

"Something's obviously not right between us, Kent. I can sense it in the way we've been interacting lately. I don't know what I did to upset you but I know that you're angry with me about something and I want to get this resolved immediately." Chandler paused momentarily in thought, and continued, "The last thing in the world that I want is to be your enemy. I value you probably more than anybody else on our team and I don't want to jeopardize that. Will you please just tell me what it is that you're unhappy about?"

Kent could feel a distinct lump forming in his throat. He looked down at his lap and tried to calm the thoughts that were racing through his head. "Please, sir…. It's got nothing to do with you. I just… I don't know what's wrong with me. I just need to sort myself out."

Chandler's eyes glazed over as he studied the constable's face. "Please don't patronize me, Kent. It's obvious that I've done something to upset you because I've noticed that you don't behave like this toward anybody else in the station except me."

Kent continued to look down at his hands. He didn't dare look up to meet Chandler's eyes, afraid what he'd see in them. "Please sir, I would really rather not talk about it. You wouldn't understand…"

"Why wouldn't I understand?! If I've done something wrong, then I deserve to know about it so I can correct it. You're not being fair to me, Kent."

Kent looked up almost immediately in shock. I'm not being fair to you?! Do you have any fucking idea what I'm going through because of you?!…

Chandler continued, seemingly unaware of Kent's shocked expression, "Now, if this has something to do with… with what happened a few months ago, then I'm sorry. But I was hoping that we'd be able to move beyond that by now."

"It's got nothing to do with her," Kent replied coldly, returning his gaze to his lap.

Chandler felt a sting shoot through his nerves and he could sense the heat begin to rise from beneath his collar. It took all the strength he had to ignore that last remark. "Well then what the hell is it?!"

Kent took a deep breath and looked Chandler directly in the eyes. "It's none of your business."

Chandler immediately turned red in the face and clenched his jaw. "Well, if you're not going to tell me what this is all about, then maybe it would be wise to start considering a transfer to another department. I can't have an employee who refuses to show me respect."

Kent felt like he had the wind punched out of him. He clenched his jaw and jumped up from his chair.

"And I can't work for a boss who—", Kent caught himself before he could say anything further as he looked incredulously at Chandler. He could feel the sting of tears forming in his eyes but he didn't care. The older man simply sat before him in shock and confusion. "If you want me gone, then you just got your fucking wish!"

Kent bounded for the door and flung it open before rushing out, leaving a stunned Chandler sitting alone in his office. He felt dizzy and short of breath as he raced past his desk, grabbing his jacket off of the back of his chair and rushed out the incident room doors without even a passing glance at any of the bewildered eyes that followed him.

"What the bloody hell was that all about?!" Mansell declared loudly as the glass doors slammed at the other end of the room.

"Just leave it," Riley replied as she picked up her purse and rushed out behind Kent.

Chandler sat at his desk in stunned silence, staring blankly out at the half-empty incident room. A sudden tear escaped his eye which he quickly wiped away with the back of his trembling hand.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Riley charged through the door leading out to the station's courtyard and found Kent frantically attempting to start his scooter. Tears were pouring down his face and he was hyperventilating.

"Kent… Wait! What happened in there?"

"I… I've got to go," he replied between sobs. "He told me I should transfer to another department. I can't believe this is happening!"

"You told him how you felt and he said you should transfer out?!" Riley exclaimed.

"No, I didn't tell him that. He tried to make me tell him what was wrong, and I… I couldn't. I'm afraid I just blew up at him. I can't believe I did that."

Kent buried his face against the crook of her neck as she wrapped her arms around him.

"He'll never forgive me for this!" he sobbed into her shoulder as she tried to soothe him.

"Come on, love. Let's go for a drive and talk this out. You're not transferring anywhere. Not if I have anything to do with it."

"I just want to go home," Kent pleaded.

"Rubbish! You're not going to go home and stew about this. We're going to have a good, long chat and figure out how to get this sorted out."

Kent reluctantly dismounted from his scooter and followed Riley to her car. They drove around the East End for a few moments in silence before Riley found a half-empty car-park which she pulled into. After a few moments of prodding, she finally got Kent to open up about his exchange with Chandler.

"I just don't know what I'm going to do," Kent sighed after his tears subsided. "This all feels like a bad dream."

Riley gazed out her car window in silent thought.

"What are you thinking?" he asked, noticing Riley's preoccupied expression. "Am I being a complete idiot?!"

She turned back to face him with a look of concern. "No, of course you're not, love. But can I be completely honest with you? I think you need to let go. For your own sake. Millions of people have gone through the same feelings you're experiencing right now, and they've all survived it. And I know you will too."

Kent focused his gaze at the dashboard in front of him. Deep down inside, he knew he was being ridiculous and childish. Riley was right. He needed to let go. He was exhausted from being unhappy and alone, hoping each day that Chandler would finally realize how much Kent loved him. The sudden realization that he was being immature and selfish made him cringe with shame and embarrassment.

Kent sighed and replied quietly, "You're right. It's no use… I can't go on like this. But what am I going to do from here? As far as my job goes, I've practically forced myself out the bloody door."

"Just give things a few days to settle down. You both said things you didn't mean, and I'm sure he'll realize that in no time. He values your work, Kent… I know that for a fact. He doesn't want to lose you."

Kent gazed out the window blankly and thought about Chandler. Seeing the man's face in his mind gave him a burning but sweet pain in his heart that he couldn't quench. The thought of letting go seemed impossible, but he knew he didn't have any other choice. If he was ever going to be happy again, he needed to move on.

"Do you think I should apologize to him?" Kent turned to Riley and asked.

"I think you should just let things take their course. Give him a few days to sort himself out. But if you really think it will make you feel better and help you move on, then by all means, I think you should," she replied with a warm smile.

Just then, the muffled ring of her mobile phone broke through the silence. Riley reached into her purse and answered it. Kent could hear Mansell's barely audible voice on the other end as Riley nodded and wrote an address on a piece of scrap paper.

"Yes, he's here with me," she said. "Okay…we'll meet you there in five or ten minutes. Cheers."

"What was that about?" Kent asked as he inspected his reddened eyes in the side view mirror.

"They've found the body of a young man about a mile away from here. It looks like a fatal beating. We've got to go meet Miles and the boss at the scene," she replied before turning to look at Kent carefully. "Are you going to be all right?"

"I hope so. Let's just get this over with."

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"What's this I hear about you having a big dust-up with Kent?" Miles asked Chandler as they drove together to the crime scene.

Chandler let out a heavy sigh. "I don't know, Miles. I'm afraid I've made a terrible mistake. I kept pushing him and pushing him to tell me what he's been upset about, but I should have just let it go. It was obviously none of my business."

"Well, just give it a few days, boss, and I'm sure it'll blow over. If anyone can forgive you, it'll be that lad."

Chandler shut his eyes and brushed his fingers over his bare wrist. "I'm afraid it's not as simple as that. I told him that I thought it would be best if he transferred to another unit."

Miles shot him a surprised look. "What in bloody hell made you say that?!"

"I was upset!" Chandler exclaimed as he turned his gaze toward the passing buildings outside the car. "I wasn't thinking properly. I should have just allowed Riley to handle it like she suggested."

"Well, you better sort this out. Kent's the best we've got!"

"I'm well aware of that, Miles. I can't lose him. I don't know what I'd do..."

Chandler stared blankly out the window as he thought about the look on Kent's face. The pain and hurt he saw in the young man's eyes was something he'd never seen before in anybody's. Kent would never forgive him. He was sure of it.

Why couldn't I just let it go? Why did it have to go this bloody far?

Miles pulled to a stop at a traffic light and glanced over at Chandler, noticing the obvious distress on the detective's face. "Listen, boss… It can't be as bad as all that. Just apologize to him and tell him you didn't mean it. Kent's a sensible lad. He thinks the world of you and if he knows you didn't mean what you said, then he's bound to forgive and forget."

"What makes you so sure?"

"Oh, come off it! That lad would roll over and play dead if you told him to. You know it as well as I do."

"I wish I could be so sure…" Chandler said to himself thoughtfully.

After a few moments of silence, Chandler turned to his sergeant. "Miles… can I ask you a question? Do you think I'm a good employer to work for?"

Miles glanced back at him in amusement. "Well… apart from your, shall we say, idiosyncrasies…" he replied sarcastically, "I'd say you're top-notch. I mean that. But don't take my word for it. We all feel that way."

Chandler didn't reply. He simply stared at the road in front of him in thought as Miles continued on, "Especially Kent. I can tell just by the way he looks at you. That lad thinks you're a real hero."

Chandler shut his eyes in pain. He didn't feel like much of a hero anymore.

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The crime scene was located in an alleyway just off a dingy street in the one of the seediest areas in Whitechapel. Riley and Kent got of out their car and quickly walked passed a dingy sex shop which featured tacky lingerie and leather gear in its small row of windows. Squad cars lined the narrow street and a crowd of onlookers was steadily growing behind the yellow crime tape that stretched around the perimeter of the area. The stench of urine and rotting garbage became more overpowering with each step as they approached Mansell, who was waiting for them near the mouth of the alleyway.

"Oi, mate! I hear you really gave it to the boss back at the station. What did he do? Demote you down to Buchan's office boy?"

"Bug off, you little dick," Riley shot back with a scathing glare as Kent simply ignored him.

Mansell continued on, seemingly unperturbed. "You two made it just in time. Looks like a beating with homophobic intent. Basically your everyday bias crime. The boss and Skip are already back there having a look," Mansell gestured behind himself, "But they want us to go 'round and take statements."

Kent's muscles suddenly stiffened in response to what Mansell said.

"Come on, lass," Mansell directed toward Riley, "Let's go have a chat with some shop owners."

Riley gave Kent a concerned look before she proceeded to follow Mansell toward the shops up the street. Kent watched her go and then nervously directed his gaze down the alleyway toward the group of policemen and crime scene technicians crowded near a collection of dust bins at the other end. He noticed Chandler squatting down near a pair of lifeless legs protruding out from behind the bins. Miles, standing over him, turned his attention down the alleyway toward Kent and signaled him to join them at the other end.

Kent would have given anything not to obey the sergeant at that moment. Not only was he terrified to face Chandler, but he was even more afraid to see what happened to the victim. These particular kinds of cases hit a little too close to home and he often couldn't help but be haunted by the thought that this type of thing could just as easily happen to him. He always made it a practice of being discreet when he was out in public with his mates because he was all too aware of the raging hate that still existed in certain parts of the city. But he was still afraid nonetheless of the possible dangers people like him faced on a daily basis.

Kent was shaken out of his thoughts when he noticed Miles gesture toward him again and he reluctantly made his way down the filthy alleyway. As he approached, Miles gave him a friendly, mindful nod before returning his attention to Chandler but Kent stopped immediately in his tracks as the DI glanced up at him and their eyes met. Chandler's momentary gaze made Kent uneasy and he immediately turned his attention to the victim lying on the ground before them.

The face of the victim was completely battered beyond recognition and there was blood and bits of flesh splattered almost three feet up the wall. Kent immediately became nauseous and began to feel a nervous tension in the pit of his stomach. The thoughts that flashed into his mind of what this poor bloke must have suffered mixed with the sight of the carnage and the stench of the alleyway repelled him to the extent that he almost instinctively backed away. He clumsily bumped passed a police technician and made his way toward the entrance of the alleyway.

Unable to steady his legs, Kent stopped halfway near the entrance of the alley and squatted down against the wall. He couldn't get the look of the victim's bloody face nor the look of Chandler's stare out of his head. This dual assault on his senses was almost more than he could handle at the moment.

Out of the corner of his eye, Kent sensed something move slowly from behind a bag of garbage and he heard a soft meow. A filthy-looking cat emerged and cautiously walked up to him before sliding its body against his leg and purring quietly. Kent reached into his jacket pocket for a stray piece of biscuit and offered it to the cat, which gingerly nibbled at it right out of his hand. Kent was surprised at how soothing and comforting to his nerves this brief moment was.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Johnson, be sure not to forget to take these dustbins back to the lab with you" Chandler directed to one of the technicians as he rose to his feet. "I want the contents analyzed fully for any evidence."

"Well, it looks pretty straight-forward, if you ask me," Miles declared. "Poor bloke must have run into the wrong crowd."

"I'd still like to keep an open mind about any other possible moti—" Chandler stopped and distractedly glanced over Miles' shoulder toward Kent. He observed the young detective kneeling on the ground and gently petting a stray cat while feeding it out of his hand. The scene was oddly touching and Chandler detected a strange warm feeling come over him inside. The sight of his constable caring for a defenseless creature like that in a place where something so cruel and vicious had just taken place made him feel inexplicably protective toward his subordinate.

Noticing Chandler's attention distracted elsewhere, Miles turned around to follow the detective's gaze. "Oi, what's he doing over there? This isn't a bloody petting zoo!"

"Just let him be, Miles," Chandler replied quietly.


	4. Chapter 4

"Have you had a talk with the lad yet?" Miles asked Chandler in the station's washroom as the latter washed his hands and studied himself in the mirror.

"No, I haven't had a chance to," he replied distractedly. The truth of the matter was that Chandler was afraid to face Kent after their row two days before. For much of the time since that day, he barricaded himself in his office with paperwork so that he could avoid having to apologize to his young detective. He knew it needed to be done, but he was terrified that he wouldn't be able to find the right words to say to make things right between them.

"Well, you better get on with it. That lad's gonna think you meant what you said and start packing his desk."

Chandler didn't reply. He simply gazed down at the sink and thought back to the look on Kent's face those two days before and he felt his chest tighten. Looking into Kent's eyes that day was like looking into the eyes of someone who'd just been told that their spouse had just died.

"…Well?! Do you want him to move?" Miles continued on, sensing Chandler's apprehension.

"No, of course not. That's the last thing I'd want. I'm just not very good at apologies."

"Well, you could have me or Riley have a word with him. Might make things less awkward for you. Riley seems to get on with him so I'm sure she wouldn't mind a bit."

"No. The apology should come from me or it won't mean anything. I just don't know what I'm going to say…" Chandler replied as he rubbed his fingers over his bare wrist. It was at moments like this that he wished he hadn't thrown away the rubber band that Morgan had given to him. For a while, it had become almost a shield to protect him from all the chaos and disorder around him. But now he was left to fend for himself.

"Just tell him you're sorry… that you didn't mean what you said and get on with it. It ain't bloody rocket science, you know."

"That's not the point, Miles. Kent deserves better than a simple 'I'm sorry.' After everything I said, I owe it to him to make sure he knows how much I value him as a part of our team. That's the least I could do. I feel terrible about what happened and I want to make it up to him."

"Then send him a bouquet of bloody roses for Christ's sake! I don't care. Just get on with it." Miles exclaimed.

Chandler sighed and thought back to the moment he saw the broken look in Kent's eyes right before he stormed out of his office. Chandler's heart felt like it had almost collapsed in on itself. He couldn't believe he had it in him to hurt someone like that, especially someone who was as devoted to their career as Kent was. Chandler had failed him once again; but this time, the damage was irreversible. Things would never be the same between them and the prospect of this hurt Chandler even more than anything else. But what was it about Kent that made him feel this way? Why was he obsessing over this?

There was something so mysterious and unreadable about Kent that really bothered Chandler and he wanted to know what it was.

But there was also something so vulnerable about the young constable...

The recent memory of Kent caring for that filthy alley cat flooded Chandler's mind and he immediately felt that very same warm feeling swelling inside him again. There was something about that moment that made Kent look so innocent and pure and Chandler was again overcome by a strange longing to protect him. Maybe it was just because he was so young and small compared to the other men on the squad and Chandler felt more responsibility for him then he did the rest of them. He couldn't explain it but it made something deep inside of him ache and he suddenly remembered that he'd felt those very same feelings once before.

When the hospital nurse had called him on his mobile to inform him that Kent had been stabbed by the Kray twins, Chandler had instantly gone weak in the knees. He recalled the sickening smell of disinfectant and illness as he raced down the hospital corridor to the emergency wing to find Kent lying on his stomach with a blood-soaked towel draped over his backside. He would never forget the look of agony and disappointment on his young constable's face as the nurses wheeled him away to the operating room and at that moment, Chandler had felt a kind of rage boil up inside him that he'd never felt before. It was so intense that it almost frightened him. He wanted to rip apart whoever had done this to his DC and when he finally got to fight Jimmy Kray in the ring, flashes of Kent kept speeding through his mind. In a way, it almost felt like he was fighting to avenge his DC…

Chandler immediately returned his attention to Miles as the thoughts that slowly began to creep into his mind made him uncomfortable.

"Well, anyway," Miles continued, "after this blows over, we ought to have a night out at the pub or something. The whole team. Give us a chance to relax and take the pressure off."

"I don't know if that would be a good idea, Miles. We all need to focus on our work right now."

"Of course it would be a good idea! Why wouldn't it?! Everyone's at each other's throats these days and a night out will let off some steam for all of us. Especially you. If we don't get you out of this office, you're bloody likely to boil over."

"Well, what would you suggest? I won't approve if it's anything too out of control."

"Like I said, a night out at the pub or a party at someone's flat. We may even get you to sing some karaoke," Miles replied with a wink.

"That's not likely to happen, but do whatever you think is necessary," Chandler sighed. "I'll leave it in your hands."

"Cheers. I'll have Riley make the arrangements. She's good at that sort of thing. Oh… and that reminds me. Judy wants you to meet someone. A distant niece. Beautiful girl… Just graduated with top honors from Oxford. You two just might hit it off. Her name's Charlotte."

Chandler cringed. "Miles, not again! I've told you a million times… I'm not interested in anybody. It just never works. I'm used to being alone and I have no plans to change that."

"How can anybody get used to being alone?!" Miles exclaimed. "That's the most pitiful thing I ever heard! Just give her a chance. She's bright and talented, and she has a smile that'll melt your heart."

"Out of the question," Chandler replied curtly. "I'm not interested." And it was the truth. Since Morgan died, he wasn't interested in anybody, romantically or sexually. He'd spent so many years alone, he was now more comfortable than ever being single.

And he didn't anticipate that situation changing anytime soon.

"Well, if you're not interested, then I'll pass her off to Kent. He'd like her, I'm sure. It's about bloody time that lad had someone to go home to," Miles stated as he walked out of the washroom leaving Chandler alone.

For some reason, that last comment bothered Chandler but he didn't know why. Maybe it was the idea that there was someone else in the station who was unattached that made him not feel so badly about the fact that he was alone as well. Riley and Miles were both happily married and always went on about how wonderful their families were. And even though Mansell was divorced, he always seemed to have no trouble finding a new woman to date whenever it suited him. But Kent always seemed to be alone. He never brought anybody to any work functions nor did he ever talk about who he was dating. And for some reason, that was comforting to Chandler. Maybe it was because he felt less like a fish out of water knowing that there was someone else besides him who went home to an empty flat each night.

Chandler hated that part of himself that didn't allow him to open up to anybody. There were always those quiet moments lying in bed with his arms wrapped around a pillow when he wanted so badly to be able to take care of someone and to share his life with them. But at this point in his life, it was probably too late. Each time that a possible relationship seemed to begin taking shape, his personal insecurities would get the best of him and apart from the fact that he was always such a perfectionist when it came to choosing a mate, he was embarrassed about his illness. He hated weakness, and he hated it even more when other people saw it in him.

Chandler sighed heavily as his thoughts returned to Kent. He wished that he knew what it was going to take to resolve this problem between them. What in god's name was Kent so bothered about? It had to be because of the way that Chandler treated him after Morgan's death. There wasn't any other logical explanation. But something distinct in the back of Chandler's mind whispered to him that it was more than that.

"You can't see it because you're clearly attracted to her!"

Chandler winced as he remembered the sting he felt when Kent had made that declaration all those months ago. It was obvious that Kent knew that he'd become distracted by Morgan. But still… there was something in the way he said those words that stuck in the back of Chandler's mind like an itch he couldn't scratch.

Chandler shook himself out of his wandering thoughts and returned to his office where he instantly noticed the bright blue form placed in the center of his desk. He knew almost immediately what it was and who had set it there while he was out. He walked slowly to his desk and he felt his heart sink as he picked up the form titled "Authorization for Departmental Transfer". At the bottom of the page was Kent's easily recognizable signature and a blank line highlighted in yellow, indicating where Chandler was requested to sign.

"Where's Kent?" Chandler asked as he rushed out of his office and into the incident room.

"He's gone out for a bite to eat," Mansell replied in a perplexed voice. "He should be back soon. Is there something you need, sir?"

"Do you know where he went?!"

"I dunno… I think he usually goes to the fish-and-chips down the street. I can call him on his mobile if you need him to come back."

"No. That won't be necessary," Chandler replied distractedly as he rushed out the door.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Do you want that to go, love" the middle-aged shop attendant asked Kent after she'd taken his food order.

"No, I'll eat it here," he replied quietly. Kent didn't know how or why he ended up at the fish-and-chips shop at half past ten in the morning. After he set the requisition form on Chandler's desk, he found himself wandering out of the station in a daze. He didn't know where to go but he knew he needed to get out of there before Chandler returned to his office. Kent knew it would happen whether he was there or not, but he couldn't bear to watch Chandler sign the form. It would have been the final nail in the coffin.

The shop was almost completely empty except for the cooks behind the counter, but Kent still chose a small table in the back near the washrooms. He wanted to be left alone. The sound of dishes clanging against each other in the kitchen would have normally gotten on his nerves, but today he felt completely numb to everything around him. The last thing he wanted was to leave the Whitechapel crime unit, but he knew he didn't have any other choice. He didn't care which department they moved him to, just so long as he could get away from Chandler. He was tired of being miserable and depressed and in the long run, he knew it would be a relief to put all this behind him.

Kent thought about his flatmates Liam and Jeffrey and wished he could be more like them. They always seemed to have a marathon of new boyfriends walking in and out the door, but Kent was different. When he fell in love with someone, virtually nobody else mattered to him. But maybe that was his problem. Maybe if he became more casual about who he brought home, he wouldn't be so lonely. But even that would probably never work, considering his track record with men.

In the past, whenever he'd fallen in love with a bloke, it was always someone who was straight or unavailable. Erica once told him that the reason he would always fall in love with someone unavailable was because on some unconscious level, he didn't feel worthy of being loved. Maybe she was right. Chandler was perfect in every way. When the older man first appeared on the scene after the first Ripper killing, Kent was in awe of him. He had never seen anyone so handsome and sure of himself as Chandler was. Even his clothes were so perfect that Kent felt like a veritable Oxfam reject compared to him.

Kent also knew that Chandler was straight from the very beginning and he thought he could accept that. But the more he got to know his boss, the more he couldn't help but fall in love with him. He didn't want to because he knew that Chandler would never have the same feelings for him, but he couldn't help himself. The more he tried to ignore it, the more he fell in love. It was like swimming against the current: the harder he tried to fight against it, the more he got swallowed up by it.

"Do you mind if I join you?"

Kent looked up from his daze to see Chandler walking toward his table. He was surprised that he felt so calm and subdued despite seeing the older detective approaching him. At this point, he didn't care anymore.

"Go ahead," he replied quietly as he returned his gaze down to his plate.

"I haven't had fish and chips since I was a boy," Chandler spoke up trying to lighten the mood, but Kent didn't respond.

"Listen Kent," Chandler continued on, "I don't want you to leave. I'm sorry about what I said the other day, but I didn't mean it. I guess I was just upset and lashed out at you because I wanted to know what I'd done to upset you so much."

"I already told you that you didn't do anything. It's me."

"But that doesn't make any sense. All the signals I've gotten from you over the past few weeks point to the fact that you're angry with me about something. I told you before… I don't want to be your enemy. I just want us to move on from this and have a fresh start."

"Can you please just drop it? I really don't want to talk about this anymore."

Chandler let out a heavy sigh. "Fine. If you insist on not telling me what's been bothering you, then I'm not going to push the issue anymore. We can let it drop. But I'm pleading with you right now to give me…to give us… another chance. You're one of the best detectives I've ever worked with and I don't know what I'd do without you. Please just accept my apologies for anything I may have done and let's move on."

Kent immediately felt his heart sink but he couldn't stop the words from coming out of his mouth. "I really think it would be best if I transferred. It's just not working out for me here anymore."

"What isn't working out? For god's sake Kent! Please just tell me what I did!"

"I told you that it has nothing to do with anything you did! It's me! It's my problem!" Kent shouted back and rose from the table. He could feel the burning sting forming in his eyelids again. "Please! Just leave me alone!"

Chandler grabbed onto Kent's arm as he started to walk away. "Not until we settle this."

"Just piss off!" Kent snapped back as he yanked his arm out of Chandler's grasp and ran out the door.

"Kent! Stop!" Chandler yelled out as he followed Kent up the street before he finally caught him by the arm.

Kent spun around to face his boss. By this time, a stream of tears were sliding down the sides of his face and his voice was trembling. "Don't you fucking get it?!"

"No! I don't get it! How can I?! You won't bloody tell me!"

"I'm fucking in love with you! Okay?! Are you happy now?!" Kent instantly froze in fear. He couldn't believe those words had just escaped from his mouth. His head began to spin and for a moment he wasn't sure if this was all a dream or not.

"You're what?" Chandler stammered.

"Just… forget it! Just leave me alone! Please!"

Chandler stood frozen in place. He wasn't sure if he had heard Kent correctly.

Kent ran toward his scooter parked nearby and fumbled for his keys before speeding off down the road, leaving Chandler alone in stunned silence.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Almost two days had passed at the station without any word from Kent. In any other circumstance, Chandler would have immediately phoned him to make sure that everything was alright, but this time he couldn't bring himself to do it. He didn't know what to say to the younger man. Since that morning in front of the fish-and-chips shop, Chandler had thought back to all their previous encounters and everything had started to make sense. All the backhanded jokes from Mansell… the awkward stares… it all now made sense.

"I'm fucking in love with you!"

The words still rang in Chandler's ears as he reached for the jar of Tiger Balm and rubbed it on his temples. He was at a total loss as to what to make of all of this. He knew he ought to have felt more uncomfortable about the whole situation. After all, he had never heard those words spoken to him by another man and he wasn't sure how to react to all of it. But something deep inside sent a sweet tingle up his arms and he couldn't help but replay those words in his mind over and over again.

Chandler glanced down at the transfer authorization form that still sat on his desk. He already knew that he wasn't ever going to sign it. That was out of the question. He didn't want Kent to leave. But how was this going to affect their working relationship? What would people think if they found out? If this had been anybody else, Chandler would have been more concerned with his own reputation. But this was Kent, and for some reason, Chandler was more concerned with how people would treat the young detective if they ever found out. Mansell and some of the other constables in the station would be ruthless about it. Chandler thought back to the look in Kent's tear-stained eyes. It must have taken him so much courage to say those words and Chandler didn't want him to be mocked and ridiculed by anybody if it ever got out.

"Sir? Do you have a moment?" Riley knocked delicately on Chandler's open door.

"Yes. Come in, Riley. What can I do for you?"

"Umm… I've talked to Kent. He said he hasn't been feeling well so he'll be taking a few days' sick leave."

"Thank you. Tell him I hope he feels better," Chandler replied distractedly.

Riley stood in the doorway in awkward silence, before adding, "He also told me what happened."

Chandler immediately looked up at her. He could feel his cheeks burn red and his heart began to beat faster. "What did he say?"

"He just told me what he had told you. I'm sure he'd never want me to butt in and talk to you, but he feels terrible about what happened. I hope you're not upset with him."

"Of course I'm not upset with him," Chandler replied quietly. "In fact, I'm the one who should be sorry."

"What would you have to be sorry about?"

Chandler dropped his gaze down from Riley and sighed. "I honestly don't know. But I just feel responsible. I shouldn't have pushed him like I did, but I didn't know what else to do. I thought I'd done something to upset him, and I wanted to know what it was. But I had no idea it would be something like this."

"Well, I'm sorry if it made you feel uncomfortable," Riley replied with concern.

"It didn't," Chandler hesitated. "I'm just not sure how to handle it. I don't want things to be awkward between us now."

"Well, I know it's not my place, but knowing Kent, I think it would be best just pretend it never happened and treat him like you normally would. I'm sure if he knew that it made you uncomfortable, he'd never forgive himself."

Chandler shifted his eyes away from Riley. He knew she was right. It would be best to just get on with it and pretend it never happened. But he knew things would never be the same between them. How could it possibly ever be? Chandler thought about Kent and wondered what the younger DC was thinking about at that moment, wherever he was. Was he thinking about him?

"Did he say when he'd be returning?" Chandler asked as he shook himself out his thoughts.

"Not really," she replied, before glancing down at the blue form at the side of Chandler's desk. "Are you still going ahead with the transfer?"

"No, of course not. I don't want him to leave. I was just upset the other day and I said things I didn't mean. But considering the circumstances, if he feels he'd be better off working for someone else, then I suppose I can't stop him."

Riley sighed with relief. "Well then, I'll see what I can do to change his mind. I don't want him to leave either."

Chandler spoke up just as Riley had turned to walk out the door, "Riley, I hope you'll keep this between us. I don't want it getting out and causing a problem for him."

"You don't have to worry about that, boss. My lips are sealed."

"And if you speak to him again, be sure to tell him that I hope he feels better soon and that I'm looking forward to having him back at work."

"Will do," she replied with a smile.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Since when do you smoke?" Liam asked Kent as he joined him on the balcony of their flat.

"Since today," Kent replied shortly. He let out a puff of smoke and watched it drift away in the faint breeze. Kent had stopped smoking since he had been accepted into the police force; but with everything that had just happened over the past few days, he needed a release and a cigarette was the only thing that could provide one at that moment.

"Well, why aren't you at work?"

"I'm taking a few days off. I needed a break from that place."

"I'm not surprised, mate. After all the shit you see everyday."

"It's not that. I… I told my boss I was in love with him," Kent replied quietly as he took another hit of his cigarette.

"You bloody didn't!" Liam replied incredulously. "What did he say?! Do you think he'll give you the sack?!"

"I dunno. He probably will the minute I show my face again at that place." Kent thought back to that morning and his face burned red with embarrassment. What could he have been possibly thinking of by telling Chandler he was in love with him? There was no way that Chandler would feel comfortable around him at this point. Kent would never be able to face him again.

"Was he surprised?" Liam went on, "I mean, you're always bloody going on about him around us. What did he say when you told him?"

"He didn't fucking say anything, but I'm sure he can't stand the sight of me now. Shit! What have I bloody done?! How can I face him?!"

"Well, if he's gay or bi, then…"

"He's straight," Kent interjected. "Believe me."

"Then that bloody sucks out loud, mate," Liam joked. "I'm sorry… I wish I knew what to say. At least you got it out in the open though. But straight blokes aren't worth the trouble. Take it from me."

"Gee, thanks for your support," Kent replied sarcastically.

"Well, what do you expect me to say, Em? Fall in love with a straight man and the only thing you'll get in return is a broken heart. We've all been there. It never works," Liam replied as he took Kent's cigarette and helped himself to a drag. "You're better off with your own kind."

"You think I don't know that?! I hate myself for feeling this way, but I can't help it. And now I've just made a bloody epic fool of myself."

"Well, if and when you go back to work, just pretend like it never happened. Don't say anything more about it. If you go on like normal, then he'll get the message that you just want to put it behind you. And pray to god that he does too or it could get bloody awkward for you."

Kent didn't reply. He simply stared at the tower blocks in the distance and took another drag of his cigarette. He had never felt so stupid in his entire life. How was he ever going to put this behind him? There was no question that he had to transfer to another department now.

"Well anyway, the boyfriend's coming 'round tonight and he's bringing a new guy with him. You wanna stick around and meet him? He just might be able to take your mind off things," Liam said with a wink.

"Ugh, no. Are you kidding me? I'm locking myself in my room indefinitely. I'm not in the mood and I look like shit."

Just then, the buzzer rang at their front door and Liam sprang back into the flat. "Sounds like they're here!" he exclaimed as he trailed off.

Kent immediately stubbed out his cigarette on the ledge and rushed back into the flat toward his room.

"Is Emerson Kent here?" Riley asked as Liam opened the door.

"Yep, but he's locked up in his room, hiding from the light of day. Who should I say is here?"

"I'm Meg Riley, love. We work together. Is he doing okay?"

"Well, he's definitely seen better days. I take it you're here about what happened at work," Liam replied knowingly.

"Yes, I just wanted to check up on the lad and see how he's doing. Do you mind if I just go back to his room?" Riley asked warily.

"Not at all. Second door to your left."

Riley glanced around Kent's flat and smiled to herself as she made her way to his bedroom. It was exactly like she'd imagined it: tidy and small, just like Kent himself.

"Kent, love, it's Riley," She called out as she knocked gingerly on his door. "May I come in?"

Kent immediately opened his bedroom door to see Riley standing there. For a moment he hesitated saying anything, afraid of what she'd say in return.

"How are you feeling, love?" she asked with concern.

"You can probably guess," he replied sarcastically as he showed her into his room and sat on the edge of his bed.

"I just wanted to check up on you. We've missed you at the office."

Kent looked down at his hands and began picking at a fingernail. "I've missed you too," he replied quietly.

Riley studied the young detective for a moment before adding, "I told the boss that you were on sick leave for a few days."

"What did he say? Has my transfer gone through yet?" he replied without looking up.

"No, and he has no plans of signing it. I also had a chat with him about what happened."

"You what?!" Kent looked up incredulously.

"Don't be angry, love. Everything's going to be alright. He's not upset about what happened the other day. In fact, he was more concerned with how you were doing. He wants you to come back to work."

"How could he not be upset?! I just told a bloody straight man that I was in love with him!"

"It's really not as bad as you think it is! I promise you. Chandler's a lot more reasonable than you think. Just give him a chance, love. Nobody else has to know about what happened. Just go back to work and pretend it never happened and get on with it."

"How can I pretend it never happened?! I just made a bloody ass out of myself in front of my boss!

Riley let out an exasperated sigh. "Listen, love. There's no use crying over spilled milk at this point. What's done is done and now you've just got to move on. Just give it a few days and things will get back to normal."

Kent didn't look up to meet her gaze. The thought of returning to work after what had just happened left a nervous, sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. But deep down, he knew he had to face Chandler sooner or later.


	5. Chapter 5

Chandler sat alone in his flat and stared intently at the mobile phone on the coffee table in front of him. Kent hadn’t returned to the station in almost four days and it was starting to worry him to the point that he wasn’t able to keep his mind on anything else at work. More than once, he’d found himself staring from his office out at Kent’s empty desk, hoping to catch a glimpse of the young constable suddenly appearing. Every voice that carried through from the incident room would almost instinctively make him look up from whatever he was doing to see if it belonged to that familiar face with the mop of curly hair and wide, brown eyes.

“To be honest sir, he’s very embarrassed about what happened and I think he’s afraid that you’re mad at him,” Riley had confessed to him when he’d cornered her about Kent. 

”Of course I’m not mad at him! What makes him think I’d be mad at him? I just want to put this behind us and have him come back to work.”

But as much as Chandler wouldn’t care to admit, it was more than that. Something strange and deeply uncomfortable inside of him really missed Kent. It was a kind of longing that felt almost unquenchable. Why did he miss him so much? What was it that made him feel so empty without seeing Kent’s smiling, eager face?

Chandler loosened his tie and reached for the mobile phone but pulled back almost immediately. As much as he wanted to place the call, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. What would he possibly think of to say to him after what had happened? What if Kent refused to talk to him?

Feeling defeated, Chandler rose from the impeccable sofa and poured himself a fresh glass of white wine, downing it in a single gulp while intermittently looking back over at his mobile phone. 

This is ridiculous! Just call him and get it over with, you bloody idiot, he thought to himself as he poured another glass and walked cautiously back toward the sofa. Chandler picked up the phone and began scrolling through the list of names until he reached Kent’s number but he couldn’t bring himself to dial. He simply stared at the name shining on the screen and thought back to his DC’s final words to him. He could still hear the words echoing in his mind and he immediately felt his cheeks burn red. 

“Don’t you get it?! I’m in love with you!”

Chandler gulped down the remaining wine in his glass and dialed Kent’s number. He shut his eyes and counted the seemingly endless rings before a soft, unsteady voice answered on the other end.

“Hello?”

“Uh, Kent? It’s DI Chandler.”

“Oh… um… hello sir,” the gentle voice replied. 

“I just… um… we haven’t heard from you in a few days and I was just wondering if everything was alright. We’ve all missed you down at the station and I just wanted to know when you think you’ll be coming in,” Chandler stammered nervously.

There was silence on the other end of the line but Chandler still sensed a presence. “Kent? Are you still there?”

“Um, yes sir. I’m sorry. I, um… I’m not sure when I’ll be coming in. I haven’t felt well and I thought I’d take a few days off. I’m sorry I didn’t ring you before.”

“Kent, listen… if this has something to do with what happened the other day, you don’t have to worry. I’m not angry with you.”

“Kent?” Chandler persisted after a momentary silence on the other end. 

“I’m really sorry if I made you uncomfortable, sir. I don’t know what came over me the other day,” the voice replied hesitantly. “I guess I was just angry or something. But it won’t happen again. I… I’m really sorry.”

Chandler smiled quietly to himself in spite of the awkwardness of this conversation. The softness and fragility in Kent’s voice stirred something bittersweet inside of him that he couldn’t ignore. 

“You didn’t make me feel uncomfortable at all. I just hope that we can put this all behind us and get back to work.”

“What about my transfer?”

“I never had any intention of signing it, Kent. You’re an integral part of our team and we don’t want to lose you. But I… I guess that’s up to you. Would you prefer to be moved to another department?” 

Chandler became slightly nervous when his question was met with silence on the other end. 

“Kent? I said do you wa—”

“No,” the voice replied quietly.

“Well then, excellent. Let’s just put this behind us and get on with it,” Chandler declared with a beaming smile. 

“I just don’t want to make things awkward for you. I really shouldn’t have said anything the other day.”

“Kent, it’s fine. I promise you. I wasn’t offended at all. You don’t have anything to worry about.”

“Thank you, sir. I’ll be in tomorrow morning.”

Chandler ended the call and dropped the mobile next to him on the sofa. He leaned back against the cushion, shut his eyes and couldn’t help but smile to himself.

*****

Kent arrived at the station the following morning and tried to make himself as inconspicuous as possible. Except for a few puzzled comments regarding his absence, nothing seemed to be out of the ordinary. Riley appeared to be out following a lead and Mansell was obnoxiously bragging to a few other constables about his date the previous night. Kent carefully placed his scooter helmet on his desk and sat down to the overflowing pile of paperwork taking over. He immediately began sorting through the seemingly endless heap of witness statements and crime scene reports, all while carefully trying to resist the temptation to look over toward Chandler’s office.

The recent memory of what happened almost a week ago in front of the fish-and-chips shop still burned in his mind like a bad dream. He would never forget the look of total shock on his DI’s face when he yelled out the secret that had been eating him alive for almost three years. 

What was I bloody thinking?! he cringed to himself. I’ll never be able to live this down.

 

Kent burned red with embarrassment and tried to think about something else, anything else. He just wanted to completely forget about how much of an ass he’d made of himself. He couldn’t even imagine how uncomfortable and awkward Chandler must have felt after what had happened. Any other man would have probably punched him in the face if he ever admitted to them what he’d admitted to Chandler. It was very mature and kind of his DI to be so forgiving about what had happened. But then again, Chandler was always so formal and reserved about everything that he probably felt like he didn’t have any other choice but to excuse Kent for what happened. Either that or Riley must have talked him into it. 

“Oi, mate, did you catch the Manchester game on telly last night?” Mansell asked as he sat on the edge of Kent’s desk. “It was unreal!”

Kent simply ignored him and kept his focus on sorting through his paperwork.

“Oh, I take it you’re a Liverpool supporter then,” Mansell stated with a smirk.

“I don’t follow football,” Kent finally replied curtly.

Mansell quietly scrutinized his partner for a moment before adding, “I hear Riley’s invited us all to a party at her house on Friday. You bringing anybody?”

“A party for what?” Kent looked up and eyed Mansell suspiciously.

“I dunno. But if there’s gonna be beer involved, I don’t give a rat’s arse what it’s for. So… you going?”

“I don’t know,” Kent replied softly. “I might have other plans… I’ll have to see.” He already knew what his answer would be though. He wanted to go for Riley’s sake. But with everything that had happened over the past week, he was terrified to face Chandler in an informal, social setting. At least at the station, his only interaction with his boss would be work-related. But in a social setting when nobody was thinking about work, it would be entirely different. What would he say to him? What if Chandler spent the entire evening ignoring and avoiding him?

What was worse, was the possibility of having to sit there alone watching Chandler happily cavorting around with whoever he ended up bringing as a date. And apart from all that, Kent was in no mood to be forced to socialize with the likes of Mansell. It was bad enough having to put up with him at the station when he was sober. But the thought of having to endure his partner while he was drunk was something that nightmares were made of.

Kent looked up Mansell with a slight look of disgust just as Miles walked by with that all-too-frequent scowl on his face.

“Oi, Skip! So what’s this party all about then?” Mansell called out to him.

“The boss thinks it would be a good idea for all of us to get together outside of work… give us a chance to unwind and take the edge off. Riley and her bloke volunteered their place for the occasion, so that’s that. You both planning to attend?” he asked, eyeing them both carefully.

“Bloody hell ya!” Mansell replied enthusiastically.

Miles then directed his attention to Kent and asked in his best deadpan voice, “What about you, lad? You coming as well or are you too good for the rest of us?”

“Maybe. I’ll have to see if I’ve made other plans, though.”

“Oh rubbish! I want to see you there with your best dancing shoes on and I’ve personally seen to it that there will be karaoke. So you better start practicing.”

Kent rolled his eyes and took a deep breath.

He usually didn’t care for these types of social situations, especially with people from work. He wasn’t ever very comfortable with the though of having to endure forced conversation with people with whom he had nothing in common. Kent was the type who was always much more keen on sitting in a dingy pub listening to local bands than singing cheesy karaoke tunes with a bunch of older married people. And in this case, the idea of having to spend anymore time than he had to with Mansell made him cringe. 

“He’ll be there,” Mansell replied to Miles as he gave a Kent a rough pat on the back. “I’ll see to it personally.”

“I can speak for myself, you know,” Kent replied with visible annoyance after Miles had left. 

“Well, you haven’t been speaking up very much lately. What’s the matter with you, anyway? Some girl chucked you over for another bloke?”

Kent immediately shot him a cold glare. “No. It’s none of your business.”

“Oh, come on, mate! Don’t be like that,” Mansell went on as he placed a hand on Kent’s shoulder. “Lately, you’ve been walking around here like you’re on the bloody rag.”

“Piss off, you wanker!”

Mansell simply laughed to himself and walked back to his desk.

****

The rest of day went by quicker than Kent had anticipated or even wanted it to. Apart from the paperwork he had to catch up on from the previous few days, the squad’s caseload was unusually light, which was a welcome relief to him. But it also unfortunately gave him extra time to stew over his situation. Chandler still hadn’t come out of his office, which made Kent even more nervous. Even though the DI had told him that everything was okay over the telephone, there was still no telling whether or not he really meant it. What if it was going to be like this from now on? What if Chandler was so uncomfortable around him after what had happened that he was going to go out of his way to avoid him now?

Kent’s heart sank at the thought.

What have I done? he sighed heavily to himself.

Kent tried to keep his focus on the paperwork in front of him, but he couldn’t help himself. He slowly lifted his eyes toward Chandler’s open office door and let them settle in on the man sitting at the desk. The older detective seemed to be working intently on his laptop computer; but almost immediately, he looked up and their eyes locked together. Kent instantly felt his cheeks burn red and his heart began to pound faster.

Stop staring at him! You’re just making it worse!

Kent tried with all his might to pull his eyes away from Chandler’s stare, but there was something in the older man’s gaze that wouldn’t let him break free. It was so intense that it shot an almost irresistible sensation up and down Kent’s spine and he felt his head swimming. He felt as if he was being pulled into the deep blue eyes staring back at him intently and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t pull away.

Chandler finally gave him a slight nod of recognition and Kent managed to pull his eyes back down toward his desk. He face felt so hot that he was sure everybody else around him could sense it too.

What the bloody hell just happened? he exclaimed to himself as he tried to catch his breath.

“Kent…”

He looked up in surprise to see Chandler approaching his desk hesitantly. 

“It’s good to see you back. I hope you’re feeling better,” Chandler stated with a smile. 

Kent could feel the dry stickiness forming in his mouth as he tried to reply, but couldn’t.

Chandler looked down momentarily before returning his gaze. “I take it you’ll be at Riley’s party on Friday.”

“I just heard about it. I… um… I’ll probably stop by but I don’t know how long I’ll stay.”

“Well, we’d love it if you can make it. I hope it will give us all the chance to clear the air and relax,” Chandler replied. 

“Yeah, I guess so,” was all Kent could reply. He moved reflexively in his chair and was sure his fidgetiness was embarrassingly obvious. 

Chandler stared at Kent for a brief moment as if in thought, before adding, “Are you planning to bring anyone?”

“I… um… no. Not really,” Kent replied with a nervous, forced smile.

“Well, I guess I’d better get back to work. I’m glad you’re back with us.”

Kent sensed a slight smile peek out from the DI’s face and he simply nodded carefully in response. He wasn’t sure how to react to this gesture. 

Chandler hesitated momentarily as if he wanted to say something, but then swiftly turned on his heel and walked back into his office leaving Kent sitting alone at his desk, completely baffled by what had just occurred.

*****

Chandler carefully studied the wristwatch and fountain pen placed neatly beside each other on his desk and he couldn’t figure out which one wasn’t aligned correctly. He gave the pen a slight nudge with the tip of his finger, but it still didn’t look right. Chandler knew from experience that he usually resorted to this type of behavior when something was on his mind, but for the life of him, he couldn’t figure out what it was. 

Or maybe he didn’t want to know what it was.

It was a strange and unsettling sensation of longing that made his chest ache. 

Why do I feel like this?! he pleaded to himself.

The gentle brown eyes… The soft lips and dimpled cheeks…

Chandler shut his eyes tightly and tried to recoil from the images lingering in his mind but they wouldn’t disappear and the words that he’d heard in shock almost a week ago suddenly vibrated in his head. As much as he tried not to, he found himself replaying that voice, over and over again. 

What in god’s name are you thinking?! You’ve got to stop all this. It isn’t right!

“Oi!” 

Chandler was shaken from his thoughts as Miles entered his office abruptly. 

“What the hell’s the matter with you?” Miles exclaimed. “You’ve got the look of a man who’s got his balls in the blender.” 

“Lay off, Miles,” Chandler replied wearily.

“Well, snap out of it, because you’ve got a date on Friday night.”

Chandler shot a startled look. “What?! With who?!”

“I already told you! Don’t you remember? Judy’s niece, Charlotte. We told her all about you and she’s rather keen on meeting you. Judy’s already given her the invite.”

Chandler let out an audible groan and rolled his eyes. “No, Miles! I already told you. I’m not interested. How many times do I need to spell it out for you?!”

“Oh, rubbish. How do you know you won’t like her unless you give her a chance? We’ve already invited her to the party so you might as well give it a go.”

Chandler gave Miles a stern glare and clenched his jaw. “For the last time: no. I’m not going to say it again.”

“Well, pardon me,” Miles replied sarcastically. “I’m just trying to look out for you. What the hell am I supposed to tell her? She’s already planning to attend!”

“You can tell her that I’m already taken.”

“By who?!” Miles responded with an exaggerated laugh.

“Nobody… nevermind. Just… just tell her whatever you like but don’t get me involved,” Chandler replied shortly.  
”You do realize that you’re getting older by the minute, don’t you? Before you know it, you’ll be a bloody old spinster.”

“Well, maybe I like things the way they are now,” Chandler replied coldly. 

“Listen, I never said you had to propose marriage in the first five minutes! Just talk to her and see how you get on. She’s going to be there anyway, so you might as well say hello. I could just as well pass her off to Kent, but that lad’s still in nappies.”

“I highly doubt Kent would be interested either,” Chandler muttered but quickly caught himself.

“What do you mean by that?” 

“Nothing,” Chandler answered hastily. “Let’s just drop it, shall we?”

*****

“I’m really glad you’ve decided to come, love,” Riley said to Kent as they exited the station together. “It wouldn’t be the same without you. And I promise I’ll protect you from Mansell if he gets too bloody awful.”

“But what about him? What if he brings some beautiful woman and they spend the entire night in each others’ arms, just rubbing it in my face?” Kent replied.

“Oh, come off it, lad. There’s no need to be so melodramatic about it. Anyway, as far as I know, he’s not bringing anybody,” Riley stated encouragingly. “From what I hear from Skip, the boss is off dating. So that may be your ticket in,” she winked.

“Oh, don’t be ridiculous. He’d sooner shag Buchan than even look at me.”

Riley studied him for a moment in quiet thought, then replied, “I think you’re giving the DI a lot less credit than he’s due. Just give him a chance... I think you’d be surprised.”

“But the problem is he won’t give me a chance. I all but blew that ship out of the frigging water when I told him I was bloody in love with him! God! What the fuck was I thinking when I did that?! I mean… what would you do if some woman came up to you and said that?!”

“Well… at first I’d be flattered… then I’d start running,” Riley joked.

“Oh, ha-ha,” Kent replied with sarcastic annoyance. “It’s not bloody funny. I’ve never felt such a fool in my entire life.”

Riley sighed in defeat. “Well, just come and stick with me the whole night. We’ll have our own laughs and the boys can do their own thing. It’ll be loads of fun.”

Kent started his scooter and drove off into the dusk thinking about his boss. The chilly London air tingled his exposed neck and he couldn’t help wondering what Chandler’s fingers would have felt like touching him. But it was useless to wonder. It was never going to happen no matter how much he wanted it to. He was never going to be able to find out what it must have felt like to be wrapped in Chandler’s strong arms like Morgan undoubtedly did. And he hated her for it. He didn’t want to, but he couldn’t help it. 

She’d gotten everything that Kent wanted. And she knew it, too. 

It was written all over that cold stare she’d given him that day in the witness room. It was obvious that she knew he was jealous of her. How could it not be obvious? He practically gave himself away every time he glared at her. But it really wasn’t her fault, and it wasn’t Chandler’s fault either. Kent really had no one else to blame but himself. He was in love with someone who could never love him back and there was nothing else to it.

I love you so much, he whispered as he felt the sting of tears pierce his eyes. 

*****

The loud thump of music booming from inside Riley’s house unnerved Chandler as he approached the front door holding a bottle of wine. He’d been dreading this moment all week. It wasn’t that he was against his staff having fun on a quiet Friday night. God knows they all needed it at the moment. But he didn’t know how to fit in; he didn’t have it in him to relax and be carefree like the rest of them. At every other party he’d ever been to with his staff, he would always end up standing to the side and watching everybody else let loose. He always wanted to join them; but he as much as he tried, he didn’t know how to.

Chandler carefully knocked on the door and then shut his eyes and took a deep breath, preparing himself for the onslaught of the loud, drunken voices coming from inside.

“Come in, boss! Come in!” Riley exclaimed upon opening the door. She was holding a half-empty bottle of lager, and Chandler could tell by looking into her eyes that she was already feeling the effects of her drink.

“Come in and make yourself at home. It’s all very casual tonight, so there’s no need to be nervous,” she went on, as if sensing his apprehension.

Chandler followed her into the sitting room where a larger crowd than he’d expected was mingling. He glanced carefully over the faces around them, taking note of his staff as well as a few other constables from the station. He also noticed a few other faces which he didn’t recognize, which made him even more nervous.

“I hope you don’t mind, but I invited a few of the neighbors over as well,” Riley slurred to him in a hushed voice. “I wanted this to be a right party.”

“That’s quite alright. The more the merrier,” Chandler replied with a forced smile. 

“Oi! The boss is here!” Mansell yelled from the crowd and raised his glass. “Now we can get this party really started!”

Chandler smiled apprehensively and waved in return. He truly felt like a fish out of water and would have given anything at this moment to sneak out the door, but he knew he had to be there to support his staff. He was well aware that they all secretly thought of him as an uptight stick-in-the-mud, and the last thing he wanted to do was perpetuate that notion. 

Chandler glanced around and noticed that Riley had left his side to join Kent on the sofa. They both appeared to be laughing at something that Riley had apparently just said, and Chandler couldn’t help but focus in on the dimples on his DC’s smiling cheeks. There was something adorable and sweet about Kent, Chandler thought to himself. He immediately became aware that he was staring at his constable, but for some reason, he couldn’t pull his eyes away. He smiled to himself as he tried to imagine what they were laughing about and he wondered what kinds of things Kent would have found funny or amusing. What was Kent like outside of work? What did he like to do on his off-days?

Chandler was lost in his thoughts before he realized that Kent was staring back at him. His eyes immediately locked with the young DC’s from across the room and for a brief moment, Chandler felt himself become dizzy. 

“Boss! There’s someone I want you to meet!” 

Chandler immediately recognized the voice behind him and flinched. 

Oh god. Not now of all times, he sighed to himself as he turned around to face Miles and his wife Judy. Standing between them was a young woman he could only guess as being Charlotte. 

“This here is Judy’s niece, Charlotte. She’s down visiting from Bedford. I thought you two might have a lot in common, seeing as how she took several courses in sociology at Oxford,” Miles stated with a knowing look.

Chandler gave a forced smile and offered a handshake. “It’s very nice to meet you, Charlotte.”

“Likewise,” she replied with an eager smile that was all-too self-aware. “Uncle Ray has told me about a lot of the cases you’ve investigated together. Very impressive, I must say.”

“Thank you,” Chandler replied quietly.

“Well, we’ll leave the both of you to it,” Miles interjected before taking his wife by the arm and leading her away quickly. Chandler eyes glazed over with annoyance as he watched Miles and Judy walk away. 

He could have killed his sergeant at that very moment. What was he supposed to bloody talk about with this girl?! It was bad enough that he was there alone, but to be forced into conversation with someone he had absolutely no interest in was the absolute limit.

“So… how long have you been head of the Whitechapel force?” Charlotte asked uneasily, as if sensing Chandler’s uneasiness.

“Oh… um… a little over three years, I guess,” Chandler replied distractedly as he let his eyes wander back over to the sofa on the other end of the large room. He immediately noticed that Kent had been watching him, but the latter instantly redirected his gaze when Chandler’s eyes met his. There was a noticeable expression in Kent’s eyes and Chandler almost intuitively knew what the younger man was thinking. The more Chandler thought about that look in Kent’s eyes, the more he wanted to distance himself from this girl. Something instinctive inside of him wanted to make sure that Kent knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that he wasn’t interested in her. 

“Well, it was very nice to meet you… um… Charlotte,” Chandler stated abruptly. “Good luck with your new career.”

“Oh… thank you,” she replied in a perplexed and deflated tone as Chandler immediately walked away. 

*****  
Kent took a sizeable swig of his lager and glanced around the crowded room from his vantage point on the sofa. His heart was still aching after what he’d just seen, but at that moment, he’d convinced himself to try and push it out of his mind. Riley was right. He needed to move on. For his own sake, he couldn’t allow himself to be in love with Chandler anymore because it could only end up destroying him inside. 

Sooner or later, his boss was going to find the woman of his dreams and probably marry her and have a big family and Kent knew that he had to accept that. He looked around at the different men milling around the room and wished he could meet someone new. At this point, it didn’t matter who it was. He just wanted to find someone to replace Chandler in his heart. Kent glanced around at all the people laughing and carrying on and at that moment, he’d never felt more alone in his life. 

“You look rather pensive at the moment,” Buchan declared as he sat down next Kent. “A penny for your thoughts?”

“I guess I’m just not in the mood for a party tonight. I think I’m going to go pretty soon,” Kent sighed quietly. 

“Oh, you can’t leave yet, lad. We haven’t even done the limbo line yet!”

Kent shot him a sardonic glance. “Well, that’s not really my scene,” he replied sarcastically.

“You need to lighten up, m’boy,” Buchan answered. “I get the feeling that you take everything far too seriously. You only have one life to live so you might as well make the most of it.”

Kent looked thoughtfully at Buchan. The older man was right; Kent had been miserable for too long and he was tired of it. He wanted to know what it was like to be happy again. But it was easier said than done. He didn’t know if he had what it took to end his feelings for Chandler and the very thought daunted him.

“Ah, sir! It’s good to see you out of your office!” Buchan suddenly exclaimed.

Kent looked up to see Chandler approaching them.

“Here, take a seat. I’m just going to go freshen my drink,” Buchan declared as he rose from the sofa and offered his spot to Chandler. “And while you’re at it, try and cheer this lad up a bit.”

Kent could feel his muscles stiffen as Chandler sat down next to him on the sofa. He was at a total loss words and the awkward silence coming from his DI wasn’t helping matters.

“I’m glad you came,” Chandler finally said as he glanced over at Kent.

“Thank you, sir.” 

“I thought I’d come join you because I rather feel out of place here, to tell you the truth,” Chandler added with a nervous laugh.

Kent offered a quick glance in return and replied tensely, “You’re not the only one. In fact, I think I’m going to leave in a few minutes.”

‘That doesn’t sound like a bad idea. How did you get here, by the way? I didn’t see your scooter out front.”

“I rode the tube. I figured I’d be too drunk to drive home, but now I wish I’d just taken my scooter, because I’m not nearly as drunk as I thought I’d be,” Kent replied while anxiously clearing his throat. 

There was a momentary silence between them as Kent tried to think of something to say. He noticed through the corner of his eye that the other man appeared to be casually glancing around the room and it was at that moment that Chandler adjusted his leg slightly and the sides of their knees met. Kent immediately felt a startling bolt of electricity shoot through his entire body that was so powerful it left his head feeling almost delirious. He sat completely still, waiting for Chandler to notice the contact between them and move his leg. But he didn’t. Kent licked his dry lips and gulped nervously as the seconds wore on like minutes. 

After what seemed like an eternity, Chandler finally adjusted his leg and cleared his throat. “Um… I could give you a lift if you’d like.”

Kent was speechless.

What the fuck is happening right now. Oh Jesus. 

“Um… that’s not necessary sir. I don’t want to put you out,” he finally stammered.

“It’s no trouble at all. I was… um… I was thinking about leaving soon myself.”

“What about your date?”

“My date?!” Chandler asked incredulously.

“Um… that girl you were with.”

“Oh, she’s not my date. Far from it,” Chandler replied quickly. “She was just a niece of Judy’s. I came alone.”

“I really don’t want to inconvenience you, sir. My flat is right by the tube station.” Kent slid his visibly trembling hands underneath his thighs to hide them. His head was spinning out of control.

“It’s no trouble at all. Trust me,” Chandler replied quietly as he gazed into his DC’s eyes.


End file.
